HELP A DEMOSCENER OUT - ZanaGB and constant abuse
category: offtopic [glöplog]
Steps to get away from abusing environment:
1) Move to another city. Don't care if it's 10 km or 100 km away, physical distance is a best way to start healing and assert a situation. Choose a place where you have at least 2 or 3 people that could help you by offering a place to stay for a week or two.
2) Since you're adult, and if you have no other income / work, apply first for all possible benefits you're entitled to (unemployment, housing etc). It might not be much, but it'll give you a sense of independency and you won't have to totally rely on the people who you're staying with.
3) Show gratitude for your friends while you're staying with them, don't take their help for granted. Help out in the house by cleaning and cooking, and let them know that you really appreciate what they've done for you.
4) Find a job. Any kind, don't be fussy, as long as it pays somewhat enough for you to save up some money to get a place of your own. If there's a possibility for social housing or become someone's roommate, search for those, since getting an entire apartment might be bit too pricey at this point.
5) Move out, support yourself. Get a state-funded therapy (if available), proper medication (if needed) and start healing. It'll take years, even decades, and you need to work to get through it. No one else can heal you than you yourself.
6) Find the meaning of life, be happy about little things every day. Live your life, and become happy. There is life after abuse.
Easier said than done but you gotta start somewhere. You can't expect others to save your life if you're not willing to do it as well.
Yours truly,
someone who was in a similar situation and made it out of there alive and somewhat sane
1) Move to another city. Don't care if it's 10 km or 100 km away, physical distance is a best way to start healing and assert a situation. Choose a place where you have at least 2 or 3 people that could help you by offering a place to stay for a week or two.
2) Since you're adult, and if you have no other income / work, apply first for all possible benefits you're entitled to (unemployment, housing etc). It might not be much, but it'll give you a sense of independency and you won't have to totally rely on the people who you're staying with.
3) Show gratitude for your friends while you're staying with them, don't take their help for granted. Help out in the house by cleaning and cooking, and let them know that you really appreciate what they've done for you.
4) Find a job. Any kind, don't be fussy, as long as it pays somewhat enough for you to save up some money to get a place of your own. If there's a possibility for social housing or become someone's roommate, search for those, since getting an entire apartment might be bit too pricey at this point.
5) Move out, support yourself. Get a state-funded therapy (if available), proper medication (if needed) and start healing. It'll take years, even decades, and you need to work to get through it. No one else can heal you than you yourself.
6) Find the meaning of life, be happy about little things every day. Live your life, and become happy. There is life after abuse.
Easier said than done but you gotta start somewhere. You can't expect others to save your life if you're not willing to do it as well.
Yours truly,
someone who was in a similar situation and made it out of there alive and somewhat sane
The obvious solution is what everyone else said, to somehow move away from that negative environment, but of course it's more easy said that done. I was afraid that some of the posts here might sound harsh, while proper advice, would seem to Zana like blame, like "It's all my fault, I am just bitching but don't do anything to get out". I know, because I was also on a similar situation (but I wouldn't call abuse, my parents were ok, just very conservative and obsessive) where the alternative would be of course to get out somehow, find a job, which of course I wanted but when your self-esteem is low, and you go to interviews with low self-esteem, and this holds you back at home with your parents, which like a feedback loop worsens your self-esteem, so it seems it's gonna be harder and harder to escape, then it's really not that easy done as said. So, I hope Zana you don't beat yourself emotionally by this fact, it's not easy and I know you are doing the most you can and hopefully you will be out of this sooner or later.
Also, some of these abuse stuff, when it's not physical/sexual, it can become very subjective. And many people will think "Ahh, she is blaming her mother who is just a little bit overprotective". But they forget that there is different scale of overprotectiveness and while most attitudes will seem innocent, if you have to do with crazy hyperanxious parents with full negativity it's debilitating and doesn't even help you move on and escape. So, especially if you lack self confidence, you get stuck there thinking, maybe I am crazy? Maybe I am blaming my mother and it's all my fault? It's a bad state to get stuck into.
Also, some of these abuse stuff, when it's not physical/sexual, it can become very subjective. And many people will think "Ahh, she is blaming her mother who is just a little bit overprotective". But they forget that there is different scale of overprotectiveness and while most attitudes will seem innocent, if you have to do with crazy hyperanxious parents with full negativity it's debilitating and doesn't even help you move on and escape. So, especially if you lack self confidence, you get stuck there thinking, maybe I am crazy? Maybe I am blaming my mother and it's all my fault? It's a bad state to get stuck into.
The best solution for all of these problems would be unconditional basic income.
To this I agree.
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There's no reason to keep people that cause constant negative emotions around you.
Exactly this.
Also, what jenni and optimus said. It must be really difficult to discuss such a matter in front of a bunch of strangers in a corner somewhere on the internet. Start making a plan to get out of the situation, as soon as this is possible (i know it is easier to simple say it than to perform it). A good start would be financial independence, but always bear in mind that jobs are not so easy to find and get hired, especially when you are young.
(p.s. i'm really amazed on the quality of the answers in this thread, meaning that the demoscene is not just writting code, music and effects.)
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The best solution for all of these problems would be unconditional basic income.
if we are talking strictly theoretical on this matter then why not abolish money?
Warning, warning, thread derail detected.
Awoooga, awoooga!
Wow.... There have been many thigns going on since i left for sleep. I may need some time for replying to everything properly but here's something i might say on the meanwhile
To RingOFyre: Well... It was kind of overwhelming and it still is, i literally have been scared to load this page again and i've been guessing that the initial disbelief that happened would easly spread. and while, as i stated before, left some details unmentioned or vague, it's there for backing myself up in case things go wrong, so yeah, encountering this and then needing to add detail about it it's kind of somethng that we can say it's kind of harsh in a way. ( specially when you are literally with just enough motivation to get out of bed and write entries down as they happen ). I might reply to your post in depth later on when i kind of digest the amount of entries this has gotten and i manage to write up a proper response for them all.
And in general i've seen a lot of suggestions for me to move away. I would believe i stated that's, while the desired thing, not exactly something i can do as of now. even though i am still looking for ways i could use to get out.
As i said i'd reply to these comments after i've gathered enough strength to reply them all.
Also ... while this kind of things kind of happens usually on every thread. i consider this to be a serious topic so cluttering the thread with tangential or unrelated material might not be advisable in general, specially because i do need to make the extra effort to discern between the content that i can reply and the one who is just clutter, or side-topics that are not really made to invove me so... yah
Also i would like to apology if this sounds kind of lame in general as a reply. Not precisely enterely being able to give myself out to proper reply. But i'll reply to each post later on whenever i can during the evening.
... This has been overwelming though. not sure if a good or bad kind, but i definetly was shocked for what Tom did and the replies this has gotten
To RingOFyre: Well... It was kind of overwhelming and it still is, i literally have been scared to load this page again and i've been guessing that the initial disbelief that happened would easly spread. and while, as i stated before, left some details unmentioned or vague, it's there for backing myself up in case things go wrong, so yeah, encountering this and then needing to add detail about it it's kind of somethng that we can say it's kind of harsh in a way. ( specially when you are literally with just enough motivation to get out of bed and write entries down as they happen ). I might reply to your post in depth later on when i kind of digest the amount of entries this has gotten and i manage to write up a proper response for them all.
And in general i've seen a lot of suggestions for me to move away. I would believe i stated that's, while the desired thing, not exactly something i can do as of now. even though i am still looking for ways i could use to get out.
As i said i'd reply to these comments after i've gathered enough strength to reply them all.
Also ... while this kind of things kind of happens usually on every thread. i consider this to be a serious topic so cluttering the thread with tangential or unrelated material might not be advisable in general, specially because i do need to make the extra effort to discern between the content that i can reply and the one who is just clutter, or side-topics that are not really made to invove me so... yah
Also i would like to apology if this sounds kind of lame in general as a reply. Not precisely enterely being able to give myself out to proper reply. But i'll reply to each post later on whenever i can during the evening.
... This has been overwelming though. not sure if a good or bad kind, but i definetly was shocked for what Tom did and the replies this has gotten
First off i would like to apologize if some of the replies sound off, or cocky, or seem to be explained vaguely, seem derrotist, or anything they may look like. I'm doing this on a rush and i am trying to properly reply to each post i've received so my apologies
---- Spain is kinda weird. In order to get an aid of that sort, the unemployment one, i need to work on the first place and quote 360 days. Regarding another benefict i could get. i did ask around and moved to see if there was something i could apply for, apparently, the only helps they got for people on my age group is for reinsertion purposes. AKA. people that have been in jail or is otherwise stated that they are troublesome / troubled in some way. Tried to apply to one of those without much success. I am still looking up for alternatives.
Regarding getting a job or education. I am on it. Not doing so well on the education part because i literally can't get anything done ( and when i got ACTUAL time to do the stuff i need for my IT course i am just too fucked up to properly work ). On the bright side. If i finish this course i might get a "practice" contract. that would count up for that quote. and not only that, durign the duration of the contract i'd be able to save up some. so, yeah. So far, until i can manage to get some external aid. i am on doing that.
---- ... More like fighting back i've tried to assert my rights as a human being. Something that has not worked. And... Personally i do not... "Fight back" ... i could not even if i wanted. and i could not afford the consequences of daring to do so. So, as a more direct answer to your question. I try to recollect data and write it down so i can post it. And analyzing the current situation on search for patterns so i could avoid it from happening it. Sadly there does not seem to be a clear pattern on anything she does.
---- I "got" access to the internet, but not because she's providing it to me. Regarding getting a job. I am an active job seeker, every month i hand a copule CV's in local stores and send a few others online. No look so far. ( Well. i got that contract for illustrating a book that she managed to destroy, so if i ever find something i might need to make sure she can't interfere with it ). Regarding getting somewhere to crash on for a while. I have nowhere to go, and she cut all relationships with our extended family so that's a no. I have no contacts besides the few people i know offline and i don't have a job i could use to pay a rent. So... yeah. Getting legally involved, if it were successful, would pretty much imply that at least, she would be obligated to give me a sum of money, if she is not taken anywhere or whatever. however i am not sure how things would work afterwards. And you do not really sound rude. You just seem to be missing some information (I guess i might need to write a testament one day about the current situation to make things clear and provide all the information that might be needed)
---- Thanks You. And, believe me i am concentrating my energies at comming up with a plan that allows me to successfuly leave. But as i stated before, i have no way to go anywhere. Ideally i'd love to leave the country so she can't reach me ever again. But i might probably just need to move somewhere close at first. Still. need to find a way
---- I would "couchsurf" with friends and relatives.... if i had any to begin with Well... there is a small big reason ( among lots of smaller reasons ) that also keeps me from leaving, in a more, "legally strict" sense. HRT. If i DID manage to get somewhere to go. Given the way our Social Security works. Since i do not work and i literally dependant of them on their eyes. I'd be neglected pretty much any attention until i get a job and i am affiliated to them under my own name ( somethign that also might need to wait until i get my actual proper ID too). In the end it all reduces to get a proper job that allows me either to move or allow me to declare myself "independant", gubernamentally wise.
---- Well. the main reason those entries exists, is that if some "unforseen" events happen to me, there's somewhat of a proof of what happened and who did it. And in the event i can manage to find a way to get out of there. Drop the bomb. And at least return some of the damage i've gotten. In the best case scenario, if i manage to leave and she has to do a monetary compensation. it means that i am even accuiring even more resources after my plan has been put in practice, something that would help me getting even further from her under the possibilities of thsoe happenings.
---- I can not say i am comfortable on my house. given like staying in prison i would probably even stay on a rather more acceptable condition. And it's way beyond than nagging.
To your step one. Yeah. I would definetly stop using their resources if i had resources of my own. To your second setp. Discussing does nothing. In fact. it'd make things worse. Every attempt on the last 10 years i've made to find a way to resolve any issue has ended up with them shrugging things off and starting to make EVERYTHING way worse and using the fact that i tried to use dialog with them against me. Step 3. I needn't to explain any further, do i?
---- Again. The few chances i got to get a stable income have been ruined by her. And i got no family or friends to stay with. Also noone is accepting my CV's ( something not surprising given that they are having Engineers with PhD acting up as cashiers on most stores ). So i have nowhere to get income from. Trying to get some income from art, but since i can say i am unreliable (as my equipment might be destroyed on any moment and thus any project will be cancelled) i can't seem to do a big project like another book. and i don't seem to be famous enough to get people's attention so they commision me any work. So. Yeah. I'd get out from there if i had a way to.
---- I think most of what is told on this post has been already mentioned. Active job seeker. But everyone's just ignoring the CV's im handing. If i had SOMETHING i coulddevote mysefl to, even if it were running up and down the whole fucking city giving sheets of pamphlets to people. I'D DO IT. no doubt. I'd rather work on art that is something i can actually say i am devoted to but yeah, you know the drill by now. Also she's not mellowing her views anywhere far in the future. She is still convinced that things that are clearly wrong and were used by educators and other professionals baack in 1950 should still be valid today even if they are against human rights in most cases. so. yeah.
---- I am already trying that. not much success at the moment but i might see an alternate way. Also. The few things i have to sacrifice would be things that if i left now i would probably never get back ( such as HRT, then the whole evaluation bullshit, and thus a valid ID. something that if i moved out and dropped i couldn't possibly have the chance to ever get again )
---- I am ommiting points 1-3 because i have noone that could host me. and if i had someone and i could apply for some benefict. i'd make sure to pay them ( even if not in the monetary sense ) for the chance they'd be giving me. but since i'm alone on this. i can't say i could do anything.
Regarding getting a job. As i stated before. i'd get ANYTHING that presents to me and i can manage to keep up with. and even though i'd end up fired up for reasons. i'd still try to do my best on whatever i am assigned to. I'm kind of crying by this point of this mass replying and i am unsure if i might be able to finish it without breaking up. I can see these words are well intended though i can't really apply them to myself for the reasons i've stated multiple times already. Best thing i could do. however. is pull a really desesperate move. And since the closest person i know is about 2500KM from where i live. manage to see if they could host me up and go there or something ( though that'd mean i need to at least get my ID to avoid further truble out there ).... I guesss it's a possiblity i should take into account.
---- All i can say here is... "This". Most of the extra details i could add have been mentioned earlier so i am sorry if this reply seems kind of... Sketchy. It is really hard to do anything when you barely have any strength to pull off another day without ending throwing oneself out through the window, and when you are so fucked up you keep questioning your memories and your feelings. debating if what i'm being told is real or what i feel is the actual thing and then just everything makes no sense because everything around you clearly does not want you there and makes your life hell, yet don't allow you to leave. ... Kinda literally when i was "given" the chance to go with my brother but then she coerced me and my brother. And i am not sure what she told him but he does not want me at my house unless, ironicly. my mother acts through him to control me even further than what i am here right now. ....... And this is really subjective stuff. And i know usually my hability to narrate things is not the best. so most of my entries look like ranting or events narrated during panic and anxiety episodes. So it all kind of makes it look even less "trustworthy"... There's one difference between strict, overprotective parents, and parents that literally MAKE EXTRA EFFORT to make sure i am set up to fail and i have no chance to avoid that or to scape just to rub it on my face and "prove" how useless, worthless and weak i am.... They literally ( specially her ) enjoy seeing me like that and it feels like she is trying to pay up her own work and relationship problems with me but at this point i am not even sure what moves her. It wouldn't help anyhow....
---- Nothing that i can say that i haven't said before. But i need to admit that i am ... Impressed is not the word but comes close, that many people have took a while to read abotu the situation and try to offer some advice. So from here i'd like to thank everyone.
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< Gargaj >: I cannot offer any hands-on help but your best bet will always be moving out. To that end, you need either a job or education; if you're 20 you are probably eligible for some sort of welfare or unemployment benefit. Read up on it and see what your options are, look around and see if there are affordable rents available, if only just for a few months to get the toxin out of your mind, because you'll need to be able to focus to take your next steps.
---- Spain is kinda weird. In order to get an aid of that sort, the unemployment one, i need to work on the first place and quote 360 days. Regarding another benefict i could get. i did ask around and moved to see if there was something i could apply for, apparently, the only helps they got for people on my age group is for reinsertion purposes. AKA. people that have been in jail or is otherwise stated that they are troublesome / troubled in some way. Tried to apply to one of those without much success. I am still looking up for alternatives.
Regarding getting a job or education. I am on it. Not doing so well on the education part because i literally can't get anything done ( and when i got ACTUAL time to do the stuff i need for my IT course i am just too fucked up to properly work ). On the bright side. If i finish this course i might get a "practice" contract. that would count up for that quote. and not only that, durign the duration of the contract i'd be able to save up some. so, yeah. So far, until i can manage to get some external aid. i am on doing that.
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< Salinga >:
Do you fight back the abuse? How is your reaction towards your mother if she attacks you?
---- ... More like fighting back i've tried to assert my rights as a human being. Something that has not worked. And... Personally i do not... "Fight back" ... i could not even if i wanted. and i could not afford the consequences of daring to do so. So, as a more direct answer to your question. I try to recollect data and write it down so i can post it. And analyzing the current situation on search for patterns so i could avoid it from happening it. Sadly there does not seem to be a clear pattern on anything she does.
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< wysiwtf >: i may sound rude or naive but why not just leave that fckn place for good? apparently you have access to the internet so go look for a job and/or place to crash for some time in whatever distance you feel safe and be gone with it.
of course thats way easier said than done and im aware of that but it sounds like you would be far better off than staying or trying to get legal help to sue your mom while you still live with her. does she lock you in or something?
---- I "got" access to the internet, but not because she's providing it to me. Regarding getting a job. I am an active job seeker, every month i hand a copule CV's in local stores and send a few others online. No look so far. ( Well. i got that contract for illustrating a book that she managed to destroy, so if i ever find something i might need to make sure she can't interfere with it ). Regarding getting somewhere to crash on for a while. I have nowhere to go, and she cut all relationships with our extended family so that's a no. I have no contacts besides the few people i know offline and i don't have a job i could use to pay a rent. So... yeah. Getting legally involved, if it were successful, would pretty much imply that at least, she would be obligated to give me a sum of money, if she is not taken anywhere or whatever. however i am not sure how things would work afterwards. And you do not really sound rude. You just seem to be missing some information (I guess i might need to write a testament one day about the current situation to make things clear and provide all the information that might be needed)
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< ham >: Escape and move to another city. You need to live on your own and show your family that you can survive without their help.
Concentrate your energies to achieve this goal within a month.
Good luck and encouragement.
---- Thanks You. And, believe me i am concentrating my energies at comming up with a plan that allows me to successfuly leave. But as i stated before, i have no way to go anywhere. Ideally i'd love to leave the country so she can't reach me ever again. But i might probably just need to move somewhere close at first. Still. need to find a way
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< ringofyre >: What wysiwtf said. Try couchsurfing with friends or relatives or something like that in the short term. Hanging around looking for a way to emancipate yourself doesn't sound like it's very healthy for you.
At 20 you are no longer legally a ward of your parents any longer so unless she is physically preventing you from leaving (in which case gather evidence of it and involve the police immediately) there is no way she can stop you from leaving the house.
From what you've said here and on tumblr staying (even if it is to try and set yourself up) just shouldn't be an option. I do realise it's very easy to type advice whilst looking in from the outside so the best advice I can give is to GTFO ASAP. Aside from that once you are setup and working, put about 10% of your income into a bank account only you know about and have access to - it's amazing how much you appreciate such a thing if you find yourself in a situation where you have to bail in a hurry!
---- I would "couchsurf" with friends and relatives.... if i had any to begin with Well... there is a small big reason ( among lots of smaller reasons ) that also keeps me from leaving, in a more, "legally strict" sense. HRT. If i DID manage to get somewhere to go. Given the way our Social Security works. Since i do not work and i literally dependant of them on their eyes. I'd be neglected pretty much any attention until i get a job and i am affiliated to them under my own name ( somethign that also might need to wait until i get my actual proper ID too). In the end it all reduces to get a proper job that allows me either to move or allow me to declare myself "independant", gubernamentally wise.
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< havoc >: so the initial question was, how can we help a fellow demoscener.
in 36 years i learned (the hard way, many times) that in order to truly help someone, the person in question first needs to want to help him or her self.
i just read this thread and it seems to be apparent that the strategy is not so much to help yourself but rather to punish another person, hoping it will change their worldview or at least mute them.
the last may be achievable, i don't know, but i fail to see in any case how this is going to quickly lead to a truly stable and happy home situation in which you can work to achieve your life goals and dreams and whatnot.
the best you seem to hope for is a stalemate, that's like accepting defeat before it even happened.
ringo is right, for once in his life. GTFO. find a way to make it happen. if you don't do that, you are not really leaving anyone much options to help you, least of all yourself.
---- Well. the main reason those entries exists, is that if some "unforseen" events happen to me, there's somewhat of a proof of what happened and who did it. And in the event i can manage to find a way to get out of there. Drop the bomb. And at least return some of the damage i've gotten. In the best case scenario, if i manage to leave and she has to do a monetary compensation. it means that i am even accuiring even more resources after my plan has been put in practice, something that would help me getting even further from her under the possibilities of thsoe happenings.
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< sol_hsa >:It's a sad situation. And I hate to be the guy, but..
I read a couple of the oldest posts in the blog trying to find what triggered this whole "I'm being abused" reaction, and I kinda get the picture of what's going on. I suppose it could be called "abuse", but not in a "call 911" sense.
You're comfortable where you are, apart from the nagging you're getting. That's perfectly normal, and I can see how things have slowly gone that way. Fixing the situation is possible, but it'll get worse before it gets better, since you have to exit your comfort zone.
Step 1: Stop taking their money. Food and shelter, fine. Find other ways to fund your lifestyle. You have talent, so if you can find an art job, great. Otherwise, flip some burgers if you can find a vacancy. You're still young, so finding odd jobs is still easy; it'll only get harder here on out.
Step 2: Discuss with your parents that you want to move out. Find out whether they can help you with this in any way. This may be what they're after, but don't have the heart to just throw you out.
Step 3: Move out. Live your own life.
---- I can not say i am comfortable on my house. given like staying in prison i would probably even stay on a rather more acceptable condition. And it's way beyond than nagging.
To your step one. Yeah. I would definetly stop using their resources if i had resources of my own. To your second setp. Discussing does nothing. In fact. it'd make things worse. Every attempt on the last 10 years i've made to find a way to resolve any issue has ended up with them shrugging things off and starting to make EVERYTHING way worse and using the fact that i tried to use dialog with them against me. Step 3. I needn't to explain any further, do i?
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< visy >: Get out ASAP, stay with friends, get a job, build your own life. The circle of abuse in my life ended when I went totally no-communication with the abusive people. There's no reason to keep people that cause constant negative emotions around you.
---- Again. The few chances i got to get a stable income have been ruined by her. And i got no family or friends to stay with. Also noone is accepting my CV's ( something not surprising given that they are having Engineers with PhD acting up as cashiers on most stores ). So i have nowhere to get income from. Trying to get some income from art, but since i can say i am unreliable (as my equipment might be destroyed on any moment and thus any project will be cancelled) i can't seem to do a big project like another book. and i don't seem to be famous enough to get people's attention so they commision me any work. So. Yeah. I'd get out from there if i had a way to.
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< ringofyre >: @zanagb (fucking hell this site needs a PM system, because I shouldn't have to post this for everyone - and no irc isn't it!) - unless Tomoalien had your permission to post originally then you must have felt pretty mortified. If so good onya for posting a bit more background.
Either way it must be kinda hard having strangers discussing your circumstances and offering glib advice.
As a parent I can tell you a couple of things. Your mum isn't going to change her views on transgenderism. If she's religious and content in her beliefs then parent or not she's never going to sway. she may eventually mellow her views but in the short-term - it ain't likely to happen. I was bisexual for many years before I met my wife and we had a child. My mother always said it was a "phase I was going thru". Maybe it was. But in the mean time I never let her right-wing, entitled babyboomer attitude affect me or my lifestyle.
On top of that is clearly a dynamic where your parents are "controlling" you financially. Whether you clean toilets or write code to make a living you need to find something that breaks that situation. Work at MickeyD's, mop floors, whatever. If you're really focused on 1 job turn up at that place looking neat and tidy and well dressed ask for a couple of weeks of work experience. Trust me the keen ones are usually the one's that get the job.
Either way at 20 you're still young and have that and (hopefully) passion and enthusiasm in your favor. Use it to your advantage.
I'm sorry I had to write such a personal post for everyone to see. I hope it helps you in some way.
---- I think most of what is told on this post has been already mentioned. Active job seeker. But everyone's just ignoring the CV's im handing. If i had SOMETHING i coulddevote mysefl to, even if it were running up and down the whole fucking city giving sheets of pamphlets to people. I'D DO IT. no doubt. I'd rather work on art that is something i can actually say i am devoted to but yeah, you know the drill by now. Also she's not mellowing her views anywhere far in the future. She is still convinced that things that are clearly wrong and were used by educators and other professionals baack in 1950 should still be valid today even if they are against human rights in most cases. so. yeah.
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< numtek >:Quote:This.There's no reason to keep people that cause constant negative emotions around you.
I woudl say sacrifice as much as possible to get towards a situation were you are surrounded by positive emotions instead of having a home situation that is dragging everyone down.
If teh authorities didn't help: try a second opinion or a different entrance. There are thousands of people standing by for abuse cases, maybe you just got the wrong one/wrong department. Be prepared to tell the same story about 20 times before something gets actually done, for what I understood you just tried it once. It is annoying, it is painstakingly slow but it will work if you run into the correct person withe the right funtionprofile. And they will help.
---- I am already trying that. not much success at the moment but i might see an alternate way. Also. The few things i have to sacrifice would be things that if i left now i would probably never get back ( such as HRT, then the whole evaluation bullshit, and thus a valid ID. something that if i moved out and dropped i couldn't possibly have the chance to ever get again )
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< jenni >:I left home when I was 16 due to verbal and psychological abuse from my mother. Lived aged 16-18 with my grandparents, then moved to my own apartment a month after I turned 18. Never looked back. Haven't really talked with my mother since 1999, and I think it's better to keep it this way.
Steps to get away from abusing environment:
1) Move to another city. Don't care if it's 10 km or 100 km away, physical distance is a best way to start healing and assert a situation. Choose a place where you have at least 2 or 3 people that could help you by offering a place to stay for a week or two.
2) Since you're adult, and if you have no other income / work, apply first for all possible benefits you're entitled to (unemployment, housing etc). It might not be much, but it'll give you a sense of independency and you won't have to totally rely on the people who you're staying with.
3) Show gratitude for your friends while you're staying with them, don't take their help for granted. Help out in the house by cleaning and cooking, and let them know that you really appreciate what they've done for you.
4) Find a job. Any kind, don't be fussy, as long as it pays somewhat enough for you to save up some money to get a place of your own. If there's a possibility for social housing or become someone's roommate, search for those, since getting an entire apartment might be bit too pricey at this point.
5) Move out, support yourself. Get a state-funded therapy (if available), proper medication (if needed) and start healing. It'll take years, even decades, and you need to work to get through it. No one else can heal you than you yourself.
6) Find the meaning of life, be happy about little things every day. Live your life, and become happy. There is life after abuse.
Easier said than done but you gotta start somewhere. You can't expect others to save your life if you're not willing to do it as well.
Yours truly,
someone who was in a similar situation and made it out of there alive and somewhat sane
---- I am ommiting points 1-3 because i have noone that could host me. and if i had someone and i could apply for some benefict. i'd make sure to pay them ( even if not in the monetary sense ) for the chance they'd be giving me. but since i'm alone on this. i can't say i could do anything.
Regarding getting a job. As i stated before. i'd get ANYTHING that presents to me and i can manage to keep up with. and even though i'd end up fired up for reasons. i'd still try to do my best on whatever i am assigned to. I'm kind of crying by this point of this mass replying and i am unsure if i might be able to finish it without breaking up. I can see these words are well intended though i can't really apply them to myself for the reasons i've stated multiple times already. Best thing i could do. however. is pull a really desesperate move. And since the closest person i know is about 2500KM from where i live. manage to see if they could host me up and go there or something ( though that'd mean i need to at least get my ID to avoid further truble out there ).... I guesss it's a possiblity i should take into account.
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< Optimus>: The obvious solution is what everyone else said, to somehow move away from that negative environment, but of course it's more easy said that done. I was afraid that some of the posts here might sound harsh, while proper advice, would seem to Zana like blame, like "It's all my fault, I am just bitching but don't do anything to get out". I know, because I was also on a similar situation (but I wouldn't call abuse, my parents were ok, just very conservative and obsessive) where the alternative would be of course to get out somehow, find a job, which of course I wanted but when your self-esteem is low, and you go to interviews with low self-esteem, and this holds you back at home with your parents, which like a feedback loop worsens your self-esteem, so it seems it's gonna be harder and harder to escape, then it's really not that easy done as said. So, I hope Zana you don't beat yourself emotionally by this fact, it's not easy and I know you are doing the most you can and hopefully you will be out of this sooner or later.
Also, some of these abuse stuff, when it's not physical/sexual, it can become very subjective. And many people will think "Ahh, she is blaming her mother who is just a little bit overprotective". But they forget that there is different scale of overprotectiveness and while most attitudes will seem innocent, if you have to do with crazy hyperanxious parents with full negativity it's debilitating and doesn't even help you move on and escape. So, especially if you lack self confidence, you get stuck there thinking, maybe I am crazy? Maybe I am blaming my mother and it's all my fault? It's a bad state to get stuck into.
---- All i can say here is... "This". Most of the extra details i could add have been mentioned earlier so i am sorry if this reply seems kind of... Sketchy. It is really hard to do anything when you barely have any strength to pull off another day without ending throwing oneself out through the window, and when you are so fucked up you keep questioning your memories and your feelings. debating if what i'm being told is real or what i feel is the actual thing and then just everything makes no sense because everything around you clearly does not want you there and makes your life hell, yet don't allow you to leave. ... Kinda literally when i was "given" the chance to go with my brother but then she coerced me and my brother. And i am not sure what she told him but he does not want me at my house unless, ironicly. my mother acts through him to control me even further than what i am here right now. ....... And this is really subjective stuff. And i know usually my hability to narrate things is not the best. so most of my entries look like ranting or events narrated during panic and anxiety episodes. So it all kind of makes it look even less "trustworthy"... There's one difference between strict, overprotective parents, and parents that literally MAKE EXTRA EFFORT to make sure i am set up to fail and i have no chance to avoid that or to scape just to rub it on my face and "prove" how useless, worthless and weak i am.... They literally ( specially her ) enjoy seeing me like that and it feels like she is trying to pay up her own work and relationship problems with me but at this point i am not even sure what moves her. It wouldn't help anyhow....
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< Defiance >:Quote:There's no reason to keep people that cause constant negative emotions around you.
Exactly this.
Also, what jenni and optimus said. It must be really difficult to discuss such a matter in front of a bunch of strangers in a corner somewhere on the internet. Start making a plan to get out of the situation, as soon as this is possible (i know it is easier to simple say it than to perform it). A good start would be financial independence, but always bear in mind that jobs are not so easy to find and get hired, especially when you are young.
(p.s. i'm really amazed on the quality of the answers in this thread, meaning that the demoscene is not just writting code, music and effects.)
---- Nothing that i can say that i haven't said before. But i need to admit that i am ... Impressed is not the word but comes close, that many people have took a while to read abotu the situation and try to offer some advice. So from here i'd like to thank everyone.
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---- Well. the main reason those entries exists, is that if some "unforseen" events happen to me, there's somewhat of a proof of what happened and who did it. And in the event i can manage to find a way to get out of there. Drop the bomb. And at least return some of the damage i've gotten. In the best case scenario, if i manage to leave and she has to do a monetary compensation. it means that i am even accuiring even more resources after my plan has been put in practice, something that would help me getting even further from her under the possibilities of thsoe happenings.
so you think she might kill you but you stay in that house anyway, and people should just understand that? (...)
Despite havoc's less than tactful phrasing, I've got to agree. (inorite - the End must be near!) I do think he maybe extrapolating a bit tho.
If you're in danger physically, mentally or even emotionally the time to go is now. Pack what you can and get out. No matter what 'home comforts' you're relying on from your mum for be it internet access, food, clothing and shelter - they aren't worth shit if you're going to come out of this damaged or even worse not come out the other side at all. It's just no worth it. I (like jenni) got the fuck out of Dodge (left home) when I was in my teens, I had to live rough sometimes but it was safer for me than the alternative. If you're in a similar situation then bailing really is the only solution and the longer you leave it the worse off you'll be.
If this is more about your mum "tightening her purse strings" and giving you a hard time because she doesn't like your lifestyle then there are a couple of issues here.
Firstly that isn't abuse (altho it may feel like it) - it's your mothers prerogative. It doesn't make her a good or caring parent but it is ultimately her choice. I say this keeping in mind that it wasn't you who posted originally calling it "abuse" but that you have titled a subsection of your tumblr "abuse journal".
Secondly - if you were staying in the hope that she might change or you guys might repair your relationship (in the way some women stay in abusive relationships because they believe they can "change" their partners) then I would say kudos to you but... clearly you can see that's not going to happen. In which case there may not be as desperate a need for you to leave, but again - the longer you stay, the worse it's going to be for you, your mum and your relationship.
Again I apologise for the airing of dirty laundry here - I sincerely hope Tomoalien had your permission to post and I'm sure the motivation was well meant otherwise I'd be having some stern words about privacy and respect for boundaries.
Whatever choices you make I can only offer my hopes that you come out this situation better off than you seem to be now. Good luck
Oh and Adok - fuck off.
If you're in danger physically, mentally or even emotionally the time to go is now. Pack what you can and get out. No matter what 'home comforts' you're relying on from your mum for be it internet access, food, clothing and shelter - they aren't worth shit if you're going to come out of this damaged or even worse not come out the other side at all. It's just no worth it. I (like jenni) got the fuck out of Dodge (left home) when I was in my teens, I had to live rough sometimes but it was safer for me than the alternative. If you're in a similar situation then bailing really is the only solution and the longer you leave it the worse off you'll be.
If this is more about your mum "tightening her purse strings" and giving you a hard time because she doesn't like your lifestyle then there are a couple of issues here.
Firstly that isn't abuse (altho it may feel like it) - it's your mothers prerogative. It doesn't make her a good or caring parent but it is ultimately her choice. I say this keeping in mind that it wasn't you who posted originally calling it "abuse" but that you have titled a subsection of your tumblr "abuse journal".
Secondly - if you were staying in the hope that she might change or you guys might repair your relationship (in the way some women stay in abusive relationships because they believe they can "change" their partners) then I would say kudos to you but... clearly you can see that's not going to happen. In which case there may not be as desperate a need for you to leave, but again - the longer you stay, the worse it's going to be for you, your mum and your relationship.
Again I apologise for the airing of dirty laundry here - I sincerely hope Tomoalien had your permission to post and I'm sure the motivation was well meant otherwise I'd be having some stern words about privacy and respect for boundaries.
Whatever choices you make I can only offer my hopes that you come out this situation better off than you seem to be now. Good luck
Oh and Adok - fuck off.
A couple of quick links to orgs to get in touch with - I don't speak spanish and I've got no idea where you live.
http://www.caritas.es/index.aspx
http://www.arrelsfundacio.org/enquestes-del-ine/
http://www.bcn.cat/sensellar/ca/xquees.php.html
http://www.caritas.es/index.aspx
http://www.arrelsfundacio.org/enquestes-del-ine/
http://www.bcn.cat/sensellar/ca/xquees.php.html
Well, I've actually told her to run away numerous times, but she says that she needs medication and such if I remember correctly. I am also overwhelmed and pleasantly surprised by your responses.
I'll address a thing that regards me: Yes, I asked for her permission. I've shown her the thread before posting it, asking her if I should post it or not. I respect her privacy and have consulted the matter with her beforehand.
I'll address a thing that regards me: Yes, I asked for her permission. I've shown her the thread before posting it, asking her if I should post it or not. I respect her privacy and have consulted the matter with her beforehand.
Cool. I'm a bit more comfortable having discussed zana's situation with all and sundry knowing that. No sarcasm intended.
Clearly she has a good friend looking out for her, it sounds like she's going to need that sooner rather than later.
If zana's relying on her mum to pay for the meds then yeah, I can see a problem. No short-term solution from me, I'm afraid - financial independence in the long term.
Thanks for your input TomoAlien - I have to be honest - I was a bit concerned that we were discussing this without zana's permission and that she had only responded because she felt the need to. You sound like a good friend.
Clearly she has a good friend looking out for her, it sounds like she's going to need that sooner rather than later.
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but she says that she needs medication and such if I remember correctly.
If zana's relying on her mum to pay for the meds then yeah, I can see a problem. No short-term solution from me, I'm afraid - financial independence in the long term.
Thanks for your input TomoAlien - I have to be honest - I was a bit concerned that we were discussing this without zana's permission and that she had only responded because she felt the need to. You sound like a good friend.
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Oh and Adok - fuck off.
At least Adok is contributing to the scene.
And basically, he said what you say here, that this thing is not abuse.
Just saying..
Ah yes, it is this thread where every qualified psychiatrist can say what is abuse and what is not...
What is narcissistic personality disorder?
http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/9741.php
An insatiable appetite for the attention of other people.
Generally prone to extreme feelings of jealousy.
Behave is if they deserve special treatment.
Commonly exaggerate their achievements, talents and importance.
Extremely sensitive.
Find it difficult to maintain healthy relationships.
Have fantasies regarding their own intelligence, success, power and good looks.
If they have to take advantage of others in order to get what they yearn for, they will without regret or conscience.
It does not take much for a person with NPD to feel rejected.
Lack empathy - empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of other people. People with NPD lack empathy and disregard other people's feelings.
Many believe that only others - "special" people - are really able to understand their uniqueness.
May consider themselves as very skilled in romance; more skilled than anybody else.
Most people see narcissists' goals as selfish ones.
Obsessed with themselves.
Respond to criticism with anger.
Respond to criticism with humiliation.
Respond to criticism with shame.
Seem arrogant.
Tend to seek out praise and positive reinforcement from others.
They may be perceived by others as tough-minded or without emotion.
Usually expect others to agree with them or go along with what they ask for or want blindly.
Very easily hurt.
Whatever they crave or yearn for must be "the best".
http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/9741.php
An insatiable appetite for the attention of other people.
Generally prone to extreme feelings of jealousy.
Behave is if they deserve special treatment.
Commonly exaggerate their achievements, talents and importance.
Extremely sensitive.
Find it difficult to maintain healthy relationships.
Have fantasies regarding their own intelligence, success, power and good looks.
If they have to take advantage of others in order to get what they yearn for, they will without regret or conscience.
It does not take much for a person with NPD to feel rejected.
Lack empathy - empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of other people. People with NPD lack empathy and disregard other people's feelings.
Many believe that only others - "special" people - are really able to understand their uniqueness.
May consider themselves as very skilled in romance; more skilled than anybody else.
Most people see narcissists' goals as selfish ones.
Obsessed with themselves.
Respond to criticism with anger.
Respond to criticism with humiliation.
Respond to criticism with shame.
Seem arrogant.
Tend to seek out praise and positive reinforcement from others.
They may be perceived by others as tough-minded or without emotion.
Usually expect others to agree with them or go along with what they ask for or want blindly.
Very easily hurt.
Whatever they crave or yearn for must be "the best".
Can we just ignore Optimus and Adok? They're just derailing the thread. Thank you.
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The best solution for all of these problems would be unconditional basic income.
Was why I told Adok to fuck off. Clearly you agreed with him.
Personally I think that grinding an axe that's already been ground, particularly in a thread that has very little to do with the arguments previously presented is just like being a vulture. Turning up to pick the bones of a thread and leaving your shit behind.
Hence I told Adok to fuck off. And yes he does contribute more to the demoscene than I do - his neo-facist trolling here and Hugi. Between his posts here and mine - I'm quite confident in saying mine are more benign. Maybe I'm wrong. I'm interested to see who may disagree.
Either way, him trying to resurrect an argument about UBI (that has already been argued to death) in this thread was a pretty low move as far as I'm concerned.
only read this thread diagonally but one thing is clear:
if you live in a toxic environment, you need to move out of it. life is too short to be spent stressing and feeling like shit. look up for for abuse victim's centers around your area, they will know your best course of action to get your life back on track.
if you live in a toxic environment, you need to move out of it. life is too short to be spent stressing and feeling like shit. look up for for abuse victim's centers around your area, they will know your best course of action to get your life back on track.
Adok: verbal, psychological and physical abuse is _not_ "normal". it might be culturally accepted in some cultures, but it is also a crime in plenty of others, even within the family. imho no one should be living under a roof where they don't feel safe from any form of abuse.
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And basically, he said what you say here, that this thing is not abuse.
Not that I agree btw (I don't know). I am just saying the same thing was said from both.
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The best solution for all of these problems would be unconditional basic income.
Was why I told Adok to fuck off. Clearly you agreed with him.
Sorry, I totally forgot about that one. Ok, this was a bit of derailing.
But if it wasn't Adok, but one more respected person, I am pretty sure the response wouldn't be the same. I hate this general attitude towards specific persons here.
Anyway, I still like you :)
p.s. And I will leave this place (going to Greece for holidays) so that I am not blamed for derailing this anymore :)
"Attitude towards specific persons": This is also called "discrimination".