pouët.net

I don't know why I am here but I can't find a solution and it feels like a dead end.

I haven't studied anything for the exams. I couldn't. I tried once in the bibliothek, though I started sleeping after half an hour. Reading boring things for boring reasons is not for me! I went to the internet later and started reading some things about IFS fractals with full obsession. I neither do sleep, nor do I get bored when I read and especially do stuff on my computer for my own. Except from the times when I am getting tired with all these wicked scene motivations..

The oral exams at Stochastik II were very "funny" today. At least this might amuse you..

I was very sad because I found out that I didn't passed Stochastik eins, about which I had a slight hope of a miracle, and then again I didn't somehow wanted to be ashamed to the professor of Stochastik II, because he was asking me in a very ironic way: "Where the hell were you? I haven't seen you in the lessons. I am wondering where are you lost?! :))". And I really studied(?) only for 1 day..

The only nice thing is that I had seen once again the very sweet girl from Kazahkstan (Now more sweet than that French girl, Marina :) because she was just before me at the examinations. I asked her how her performance was and then I told her in a worried state that I am not expecting the same from myself. She told me something sweet (like stop worrying perhaps) in German, but I didn't grasped that.

I 've almost seen her hugging her boyfriend whom I had seen for the first time there, at the same time when the door opened and the professor asked me to come in! :P

He went for a bit out of the room while I was waiting with his student helper. I told him that I am not prepared at all and so perhaps I will drop it or answer some shit or whatever. He must have ignored me, but asked me where is my Schein. Uh.

He showed me Madina's Schein. The paper/permission for this oral exam. I asked him who was supposed to give that to me? Perhaps I had it, or someone gave it to me, but I totally forgot it because my mind was out. Professor came and told me "Didn't you received my email?". Of course I did! but I forgot to go and get the permission from Prof.Scherer's office. Who cares, I said, afteralls I haven't studied at all (to the helper, since the professor went to the next room to his secretary). At the beginning I thought that my exams day will move (so that perhaps I can prepare more, but it's better that hell finished) till I get the Schein, but then it was possible at the same day..

He asked me to say the theorem of Fubini. I told him I don't know it. He wondered then how can we take the exams if I don't know the basics. No Funini, no exams. Instead, I had read some theoritcal stuff about some sigma-algebra shit at the beginning of the lectures. Not that they made sense too. I told him, ok I didn't studied and we agreed to give me a 5.0 and get the rid of me.

Instead, he asked me with the same ironic or obvious look "I don't understand it? Why are you here then???". I decided to be honest, since this is my really last resort, to say clearly my problems without excuses..

Me: "I am oppressed to study for something that is not me (perhaps studies at all are not for me). I tried to read your lecture at the bibliothek, but sleep took me away."

Him: "So perhaps you just don't like math? I know a lot of people who are bored of math. You shouldn't change subject, perhaps philosophy or history or anything else that you want!"

Me: "I like computers"

Him (with the same ironic smile): "But how? You need mathematics in informatics science!!!"

Before I started telling him that I code teh shit, he bragged about my time, that it's lost and I have to change my subject (I think impossible in Greece, either I have to finish my current studies (and that's what I will do..) to do that (..but to go to another shit again?), or perhaps to give exams again to pass in another subject but start from the beginning). I hate that! Everyone's telling you that you are loosing time. Time from what? From my misery? Some people are saying it without knowing what they are saying? Someone thought I will loose time if I go to Erasmus. Erasmus was my last resort for I lived and wiped out every shit. I don't care about the things that are not me! Loose time so that I will finish faster and be succesfull at 30 and not 40? Loose time from what??? And you shouldn't make people anxious with that shit. This "loose time" is the stupidest shit around!!!

Before I could answer, he stopped me and I alone agreed that it's not worth loosing his "time".

Perhaps he just don't understand that we are not the same. I had enough of these shit in Greece with professors and friends of my parents who are also professors. Nobody wants to understand me. The professor brags "I don't understand your behavior!" but does he really wants to?

More problems arise. I feel totally marginal to everything. I am not just the shit for university, I am for every other aspect of real life too. People have diplomas, jobs, money, girlfriends, life.

I was thinking the demoscene while riding my bike. I went for a Vodka. The shit didn't worked upon me even if I tried to drink it at once :(

I was thinking, "I could show some plasmas to my professor" and teh shit. At least there I have a value, even if still small. Even at the demoscene I had to struggle if I wanted to reach the famous coders. I haven't ever made it and I don't wish anymore. Even at the demoscene I was marginal, but at least it wasn't that bad. I can be proud for my little things on CPC or Quickbasic and just do my thing. But why not PC scene? That's where I thought that the PC scene has become too professional today. It doesn't seem to be always the best for a marginal geek. People of the greatest groups are doing professional stuff at their jobs, they have diplomas, lifes and such shit. So why not being professional at democoding too? I am not like them :(

The scene is diferrent than what I'd like. The scene brings me down. There are scene awards. We are like Oscar. It reminds me the real world and makes me cry. I don't have favorite sceners (coders/gfxists/musicians/teh shit) anymore. I deleted them from Ojuice (I only have favorite demos but these are too many anyways). I denied voting for people on my last sents to diskmag charts. People say at the "[breed] Demo Group Launch" thread that you can't easilly find a coder today and you have to find a good one in order to do professional works and shit. Instead, it was surprising to me that someone thought to start interviews on his Quickbasic e-zine and someone else thought that this might create elitism. Quickbasic scene is preety much diferrent.

Ok,. I did liked comments, feedback and even got interviewed for a CPC mag lately, but I like to brag about any shit..

What else to say? Sometimes, when I have exams, I see that the demoscene is the good thing for me. In life, I can either struggle with real life matters or do nothing. But then I will struggle again because I don't want to see myself do nothing. I have to be creative. That's what the demoscene gives me sometimes. A place where you can have diferrent motivations for doing something but without the motivations of real life. Or not? Sometimes the PC scene is too perfect. Perhaps it's the best for me to do stuff on Quickbasic just for myself. Funny and simple..

I was thinking about a job. Even with my computer programming interest I am marginal. I either have to follow the modern way (C++, OOP, big projects of hundreds of persons) or nothing. If I'd like a job with a computer or in general anyways. Someone could say that perhaps I should be living at the 80s when a computer games were a small project of 1 or 2-3 people in 8bit assembly. Perhaps such a job would fit me better then..

I might follow the job sollution at Greece, I will open a software company with my brother. He suggested me that. We may use C/C++ or the MFC shit I once learned, no matter. I don't care. I may make some shitty money with that, in order to be economically idependent. For the moment it might be good if I can actually find the mood to work for that job. At least my small brother can motivate me with that. Perhaps it's a sollution. And the university slowly slowly without caring. But I don' know..

Perhaps I am following self-destruction but that's better. Except if I am having to hear from the people about that, making me more sad and telling me predictable things I should follow in life. No way!

I don't have place here. I am lame in real life, in the university, even a bit in the demoscene. Not that much in the demoscene. It's my last resort if I take it well. Demoscene shouldn't bring me negative feelings, I have killed the good things it might be..

I am out of society.

1. Demoscene is nothing more than a hobby.
2. You're sad because you want it to be more than that, and it's impossible.
3. Please involve yourself more into real life. It's not fun but you need it in order to construct a profitable social life.
4. Great hobbies like Demoscene are a real plus when you are already spending good times in real life.
5. Life cannot be always fun.

Here's some advice: stop being so negative or at least try to act positive sometimes, even if it's a pretence.

Every time you have a problem you always seem to focus on it, tell everyone about it and moan about how you can't handle it. If you're acting like such a failure, you will be perceived as a failure, you will feel like a failure and start to accept yourself as a failure...right up until you top yourself. If you can't accept anything positive about yourself, then no one else will.

We all have flaws, but if you dwell on them, they get pushed to the front of your mind and become evident to everyone.

Embrace your flaws and your failures as a challenge. Use everything you hate about yourself as motivation to change. We can be good at virtually anything if we take enough time and learn how to do it.

agreed with willbe and wade, welcome to 'growing up' optimus. Life sucks 9 out of 10 times, get used to it and try to make the best of it! You seem to have some coding skills, use it to at least get good at 'bussiness programming' so you can earn a living and do demoscene stuff by the side.

Something often people miss when dealing with shit that sucks: everyone else knows it sucks too, and eventually everyone gets sick of hearing it. So don't tell them all the time. Instead, figure out some other creative way of doing it.

In your case, I'd suggest writing. But not about your issues, do it from the perspective of someone else. Or hell your own, do it your way, whatever that way is.

But for god's sakes don't do it HERE (:

optimus, i think i quite understand your math/coding motivation problems (as i have similar ones :).
the key is that while math/demoscene is very interesting itself, learning math/coding sophisticated effects is not at all interesting and it is very hard to do anything if you are not motivated. so try to get some motivation... (ok i know it's not that easy :)
for example sigma algebras are not in the corner of my heart either :) but they are not so complicated at all. Fubini's theorem (guess that one about integrating on the product of measure spaces) is kinda ugly and technical, but is indeed really fuckin useful.
that's how this world works. there's even a song (in hungarian) with the line "this is really really cruel, cruel world" (very draft translation :)
.
at last, two little practical advices:
1) when they are teaching things like sigma algebras probably 3 days are the minimum amount of time to prepare more-or-less properly for the exam (since you will spend 90% of that 3 days by sleeping, surfing on the net and reading newspapers :) so if you fall asleep or read about computer stuff first day, you still have the chance to learn the thing on the second :) believe me, that comes from personal experience of doing fuckin lots of math exams with the same attitude you describe :)
2) when coding some effects, arrange things such that you see something happening on the screen as soon as possible. that gives some motivation to continue...

I know I will hate the answers. I know I shouldn't be writting this. I can't stop being reactive now.

1. I do consider demoscene as a hobby, especially now. Now it's even more like a role playing game for me. I don't believe seriously in scene spirit or scene motivations anymore..
2. No. I just wanted to make a reference to it, but I was just sad about studies today. That was the matter of the whole post! I am in a dead end, because either I have to follow real life and struggle or stop doing everything and then again struggle because of inactivity. Demoscene is sometimes in the middle, a good middle. But then it's just a part of life too, which suxx too..
3. I have done this already. People will claim "No, you didn't grasped real life well!" but that's till they see that I changed and got the one. Which is stupid. Isn't there another way around? And what is that "profitable social life" you say? Is there a definition of it that we should follow or something? I hate these things!
4. It was supposed that it is my last resort when I am not having a life. I think that's why I see miserable people inside it. I believe that if I will ever have grasped the so called life, not only there will be no time for scene but also no reason to be active in it.
5. I don't have anything to say about that..

I don't have a problem with the others. I would like to dissapear from Pouet however. I never managed it. Just because it's a change and sometimes I don't want to see the scene too. I think I hate seing people being both succesfull in the demoscene and real life, having a job, a girlfriend and everything. I could just try to change and have some success too, but then again I am thinking of the next Optimus who would hate me. My heros are not in the demoscene. My heros could be just few people who are more miserable than me and the demoscene doesn't know them. Perhaps an almost friend that died and a poor girl at school. I am wondering what are they doing..

You really need a break.

>that's how this world works.

That's the hard truth. In a way, I know I am an excrement from society :(

What I'd like to answer now is: "Ok,. perhaps everyone has to struggle and follow a more strict way in order to have that so called 'profitable social life' as willbe says, but why did I diferrentiate from the rest? Why my small, my big brother, my parents, my friends and everyone are in one or the other way succesfull in life (either university, job or girlfriend(s)) when I can't grasp it? Did they have a better mood or the reasons to do what I deny doing? What's the diferrent thing on me that keeps me in misery? Or is there just a very diferrent problem out there (like I am worrying while I shouldn't. I should have the so called nolife and be content with what I am) and I don't have to try to get a life?"

>2) when coding some effects, arrange things such
>that you see something happening on the screen
>as soon as possible. that gives some motivation to continue...

That's very truth. For example, I know why I rarely get the mood to do something on the CPC for example or my 1st demo has mainly 2 effects. I do a lot of theoritical plans for doing the perfect routine, finding out that it doesn't work as good or as fast as I wanted, wiping out everything and starting from scratch. On the PC at the same time, I will do crappy demos (ok,. I already released crappy stuff), so I don't wont to release frequently stuff. I am trying to find my button on the demoscene and what's best for me and I think I am lately grasping some things. I have erased the demoscene from my head. But my problem is real life now..

>You really need a break.

In a way, I got that break here in Karlsruhe. It worked in a way but life doesn't stop to suck. At least I stopped taking some things so seriously (scene) and perhaps everything else that I am going through will define how life will continue. But I feel like I will continue writting my stories here till 2008 :(

>1) when they are teaching things like sigma algebras probably 3 days are the minimum amount of
>time to prepare more-or-less properly for the exam (since you will spend 90% of that 3 days by sleeping,
>surfing on the net and reading newspapers :) so if you fall asleep or read about computer stuff first day,
>you still have the chance to learn the thing on the second :) believe me, that comes from personal
>experience of doing fuckin lots of math exams with the same attitude you describe :)

Still, 3 days would be very few for me because I have problems at concentrating. When I am studying for 5 hours, it's like 1 hour of real productivity. It's especially bad with boring exams not suitable for me, but think only that even in democoding I feel like I am going through the same problem sometimes. I am either too slow at coding or I can't focus to my problem well. At least with few ammounts of studying per each day, I can finish my last lesson (Diferrential Geometry, perhaps more interesting) since I have more than one month for it (It is even after BP and the reason why I will make it to BP!). My last resort if I want to think that I had a bit of success here at the university and I will make my parents happy too..

i can't concentrate on stuff too. So i don't do maths exams. Didn't stop me from doing a post-grad in computing tho ;)

And yeah, life sucks, until you get out there and do something to make it better... If you do nothing, the same old shit keeps coming right back at you. Instead of getting fucked over by your own mistakes, work out what you can do without fucking it up, and go do it.

btw, look up at the ceiling and not at your feet, and laugh for a bit at how lame your exam was. You'll feel better.

I promised I wouldn't answer to Optimus when he was bragging about his life, but this involves demoscene so here's my demoscene part answer:

Demoscene is not practical, it has never been, and you don't need to study math for doing it. You could be studying something else (or not studying at all) and learning demoscene in your free time (which, as a hobby, is what you have to do: use your -free- time for it).

I know people who have plenty of math basis (math teachers and stuff) but would not be able to make a simple plasma... I have no math base at all, and I've done software 3D engines with all the features (understanding the math involved on those effects, instead of learning -all- linear algebra)... that took me hours and hours of learning in my free time, during many years... I have not studied at the university and my "studied-math" (as in, studied in school) level regarding the demoscene doesn't go far beyond some simple trigonometrics, but I could go and tell you how matrices, quaternions, vectors, gravities and others work, without having studied it.

And infally, outside demoscene's part... if you keep acting like you're shit, then you'll be a piece of shit in the future... raise your fucking head, and start being positive about your life... your parents pay for your studies, you can eat everyday, your responsability doesn't extend far beyond passing a few exams... that's problems? man, grow up and see the real world... you've done anything but start to feel life's pain

optimus: differential geometry seems better suited for demoscene people than analysis (based on the very few - equals two - people i know how are/was both involved in demoscene and learning such things, and that two includes myself :). this probably because in general, geometry is better suited to demoscene people since we have 3d and 3d and plenty of 3d.

jcl: we were not talking about the connection between math and demoscene, but about having similar problems with learning math and coding effects. which phenomenon i know too well :(

For the overall problem: Suicide IS a solution.

That was teh shit cool answer!!! =)

about other global solutions :)
in hungary, there's an old saying:
"for the intellectual people, there are two different ways to follow: first one is alcoholism; the second one is impassable..."

And stop that 'teh shit' nerd shite...

Opti: Sadly you can't have success or a girlfriend without having confidence and faith in yourself. Employers don't want someone who believes him/herself to be useless and (trust me) neither do women - unless you're willing to spend a lot of money, in which case you'll need a good job.

All you need to do is change your perspective. Most trivial problems can be resolved just by redefining them.

You can say you're no good at maths, but at some early point in his life neither was Einstein.

There is nothing worst than doing stuff that you don't like.

I believe that your proffessor is right; change subject. I'm not talking about studies, i'm talking about your life. What do you really want to do in your life? Figure it out and then figure out a way to do it. You are still very young and the life is in front of you.

The hardest part will be to get indepedent from your parents. The problem is that you'll have to find a job that will make you feel good. I know that you like programming limited devices... then try to find a job as a microcontroller and/or handheld device programmer. These devices are around us the last years and there are lots of companies who makes them. I don't think that you'll be in a problem. You're in Germany, which has lots of high tech companies. Not in Greece (which is mostly made of farmers and such humanoids).

Once you get indepedent, make a plan on what you're going to do next. And take care to avoid doing stuff that you don't like; they'll just make you feel bad.

I'll say it to you again; i would be happy if i were in your place.

I think badsector is right.. embedded development may be far more interesting for assembler lovers than pure CS. Usually you do this in computer engineering programs or "technische informatik" in germany.

It may also make sense to switch to a "university of applied science", because at least in germany that is where you learn to do stuff and not just the theory.

They also have quite a bit of maths but its more like "rearrange that integral" instead of "explain fubinis theorem"

Dammit!! You made me try to be constructive..

try to chew your socks everytime you get depressive. it works. trust me.

take one step at the time, do one thing good, and about the rest think: "it'll be done within some time". like you say, screw that "loose time"-thing. eventually you'll se that things DO get done, exams get passed and so on, hopefully. And, maybe you should change subject, maybe not. Many subjects are hard, and perhaps boring, but you shouldn't give it up because of that. Try to get motivated somehow. Surely someone else in your class must have failed as well, even that's a tiny motivation, to know that you're not the only one. If you can, try to find someone to study together with, someone that's also struggling a bit. Hobbies, like demoscene, and others should also be a factor of motivation for studies, work etc. :) And finally, your "definition" of success (ie. girlfriend/job/diploma) sucks. They're all slaves of the society, just doing whatever the other maggots on the planet is. Well, after all, we probably all are. Who is to judge that this and that is "successful living" ?

I'm so glad to see Optimus back to normal. It'll be a sad day for pouët.net when he finally gets a job and/or a girlfriend...

I'm just wondering... if Optimus is whining this much without having a life... what will happen when he finally gets a life, and has to deal with all the issues it implies?

How long will his posts be once he actually finds a girlfriend and gets dumped after a few years? When he's felt what it's like to have everything he desperately seeks and then lose it all again? When he's had a taste of success and happiness, only to land flat on his face back on square one?

What will he do when he realises, after years of struggling, that achieving his goals just leaves a sense of emptiness and there's nothing left to fill it up?

So, Optimus...
Please, get your shit together before you try to get a life. If not having a life won't kill you, _having_ one surely will.

"life is a tragedy for those who feel, and a comedy for those who think"
-- Voltaire, Oscar Wilde or some other insightful bastard...