pouët.net

Often enough, I bore myself. I try to say something thoughtful and at the same time entertaining, and it's no good at all. I started writing down things that I thought to be funny or deep, but when trying them out they mostly seem to be kind of offensive.

Oh yes, that offensive bit. I guess when I was a kid I fell into the same magic potion that Bill Hicks had - or I just watched Bill Hicks way too much. Anyway, I'm kind of a ranter, maybe because I'm such an idealistic bitch. When you talk about your positive visions and your larger-than-life-ideas, people make cynical remarks to bring you "back to earth", and you become one with the mud, you become like them. And after some time you rant about all these things that suck (and I have to say, people don't suck as much as the things they do), because secretly you wish it was all a lot better.

At least I'm fair. I subject myself to the rough treatment I give to others. I have days where I crush my work before I haven't even started. And on other days I fight against my own oppression, working like a punk to demonstrate that I don't care at all about my hard judgement. I guess that can be called "torn".

Sometimes, I am my own big brother government with a third eye like a CCTV cam, wiretapping my thoughts, commenting my every move, legislating my rights away.

And sometimes, I'm the cellar rebel, fighting against the oppressive regime with mental molotov cocktails, spraying Anarchy symbols onto my music.

When I do my music, I am fighting against my inner daemons, because there are no daemons in reality. There is no exterior politics, there is just the reverberation of megatons of human fantasies in my mind. I can not process all these ideas in terms of an "outer world". I spend so much time trying to find out what really matters, and I lose my way so many times.

The truths, which I didn't bother writing down properly because I thought them to be self-evident, haunt me the next day, twisted and deformed, a grotesque parody of my beliefs. I forget all the time. I have to ask you, what do you think matters in your life and in this world?

Did Optimus abduct you?

If the scener does not come to the blog, the blog must come to the scener.

That said, aren't we all a bit of Optimus?

livejournal?

http://www.blogger.com/home

It's called blogging. It might be something for you?

oh, in that case, please do all comment here:

http://blog.paniq.org/2008/10/state-of-panic.html

344 demosceners on livejournal?

http://www.livejournal.com/interests.bml?int=demoscene

you're just jealous Jon (of Garfield) made a move on your gf!

i have a blog there, but it screams at me and sends me to my room everytime i try to write something.

now answer my god damn question will you.

maali, jon can also answer my question.

It looks like you think like a girl. Why don't you let your mind in peace and enjoy the very present, the beauty of a lot of things you could do to make your life better? If you don't mentally fight or make your path against the problems which are between you and the goals you want to reach to get a "better" life, i guess it's of no use to live. That's the game. It'd all seem so pessimistic and empty without all of those inner battles :)

irokos, has your suggestion ever worked... with a girl? ;)

Actually I'm not really depressed. Just looking for answers. Answers to my question.

To answer your question: Money, booze and television.

mind the gap!

paniq: to be honest, no :)
I just know that since I'm actually enjoying myself as I am, since I've really found the path i wanted to follow to enjoy every minute of my life, I'm happy to live, happy to bite every minute of what makes my life what it is. If that's real happiness, I take it.
The replies to your question are in your head paniq, that's it. Nothing made of any carbonic element will fit your desire. Nothing made of movement/sport/anything will do it either. All is in your head, find it.

irokos, true. giving birth to new ideas is painful. nobody wants to hear you scream in agony, but they all go "ah" and "oh" on the newborn. :)

I don't get your point :)
But as long as you find new ideas (whether they are painful or not to you or to anyone) about something that could make you *happy* or *feel better*, why not trying it? Sun always come after the rain, if an idea is painful to get out, it'll be pure love after some time :)

"UH" "AH" ...9 months later " A CHIIIILLLDDD" .... "UH" "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO"

i thought that posting a blog article on pouet (off the top of my head the most deranged, deplaced, least civilized place on the internet i could think of (yes, there is 4chan. but i don't know these people, and they scare me.)) is part of the creative process.

see what replies i get from the smartest people i know.

NOMNOMNOM Smarties <3

paniq: happiness and, once that's achieved, be meaningful for as many people as possible.

be the new president!

trace: hm. that's weird. because i thought that happiness and meaningfulness is the result of knowing what matters.

(dunno @ question)