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Movie Observations

category: general [glöplog]
 
In the movies...

The effects of sugar, excess coffee and canabis will either cause you to run around like someone on fire or will reduce you to a zombie, while hard drugs like cocaine will have no distinct effect.

English people either speak with perfect pronunciation, like the queen, or broad 19th Century Cockney.

Germans and Russians are all cold and emotionless villains, and are usually connected to their country’s government. They also have limitless access to bombs and high impact weapons.

If you want to be seen as “cool” you should always talk with a mouth full of food, pausing only to take another bite.

Even if driving along a straight highway, the steering wheel should always be in motion.

After a good night’s sleep, a yawn and a stretch is all it takes to recover your bearings. And nobody ever wakes up with impressions of a cushion seam on their face, creaselines or even with gooey eyes.

Every neighbourhood has at least one jogger.

The weak member of any gang will only die after he/she has performed a memorable act of courage.

While driving a car you are invulnerable to bullets, even though they might shatter the windscreen and puncture your tires, they will never hit you.

Only someone with a hidden agenda will scratch his/her head or nose.

You can be certain that anybody wearing a black leather jacket carries a penknife and a box of cigarettes.

American schools forbid any more than one fat kid per class.

Listening to the radio in the kitchen inevitably leads to an uncontrollable urge to dance, and to use a mop or a nearby utensil as a microphone. This is also the most likely time for unexpected visitors.

Whilst cooking, it is necessary to dance between appliances.

Only teenagers get spots, and only usually before a date.

Never try to escape a pursuing villain by driving away in you car, since you can guarantee it won’t start – or at least not until the villain shatters the sidewindows.

There is no such thing as brown sauce.

Windows of any tall building open onto a narrow ledge, just wide enough to accommodate a person standing with his/her back to the wall.

Every family has at least one home video of a young son or daughter blowing out candles on a birthday cake. If you see this footage, the kid is dead.

Emails should always be read aloud…slowly and clearly.

You never have to wait for a bus or taxi, unless you have an urgent appointment, in which case you should run around in a panic until you find a solution.

The arch villain cannot die before his sidekicks.

A hero will never swallow his pride, apologise or break a pact, even if it means averting trouble and saving lives.

Firing a gun (regardless of its size and power) never seems to cause ear damage or even temporary deafness, unless on a firing range, where ear protection is required.

After losing a loved one, the hero will only grieve for a minute before deciding to avenge their death.

Nobody ever stalls a car, even if it’s their first time behind the wheel.

When a hero faces the last few henchmen of a super-villain, it is usually the second or third-to-last henchman that will die in the most horrible way.

Explosions, lasers and engines can always be heard in the vacuum of space.

All computer passwords, no matter how sophisticated, can be ‘overridden’.

Almost no one goes to the toilet.

When spaceships travel at the speed of light, it will still only take a day or two at the most to reach a destination that is 50 light years away.

When a group of soldiers get trapped or captured, the one who mentions ‘getting back home to his girlfriend’ will almost certainly die.

Most films that end with the words, “The End…?” invariably do not have a sequel.

If you have a minor accident with a car that has tinted windows, the occupants will kill you.

If you’re in a building and you notice a group of men wearing suits and sunglasses, then you’re about to become a hostage.

If a group of terrorists hijack a plane, the lead terrorist is sure to die by being thrown out.

If a group of terrorists hijack a plane, the pilot and co-pilot will be killed.

Shotguns never need to be re-loaded.

Every American police station has an officer named Kowalski.

No Russian or German women can become heroes.

If you want to get killed in a haunted house then walk backwards, slowly.
stfu.
added on the 2004-05-18 15:34:48 by tomcat tomcat
... and the chief police officer is alwas afroamerican
added on the 2004-05-18 15:37:52 by Gargaj Gargaj
- All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
- If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade — at any time of the year.
- All beds have special "L"-shaped sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
- All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
- It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
- Once applied, lipstick will never rub off — even while scuba diving.
- The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there. And you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
- If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition — even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
- You're very likely to survive any battle in any war — unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
- Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
- You can see the Eiffel Tower from every window in Paris.
- A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
- When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill — just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
- Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
- Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
- Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
- The Chief of Police will suspend his star detective — or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
- A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.
- Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
- Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
- It is not necessary to say "Hello" or "Goodbye" when beginning or ending phone conversations.
- Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
- All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
- It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts — your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
- When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
- No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
- Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
- When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
- Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds — unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
- Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.
added on the 2004-05-18 15:42:07 by Gargaj Gargaj
- During all police investigations it is necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
- Most dogs are immortal.
- Dinosaurs only eat ugly and/or immoral people.
- There is always a back way out through the kitchen.
- If an imminent natural disaster or a killer beast threatens your town, the mayor’s first concern will be the tourist industry.
- All single women have cats.
- Whenever a large pane of glass is visible, someone will soon be thrown through it.
- The Chief of Police is always black.
- If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by six inches.
- Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from anywhere else in the universe.
- Large loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of average people--whether they are employed or not.
- When staying in a haunted house, women always investigate strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
- Word processors never display a cursor, but do always say: "Enter Password Now" in giant letters.
- Wearing a vest or stripping to the waist makes a man invulnerable to bullets.
- If you’re ever caught up in a misunderstanding that could be quickly cleared up by a simple explanation, just keep your mouth shut.
- If a killer is lurking in your house, it’s easy to find him. Just run a bath--even in the middle of the day--then look in your bathroom mirror. He will suddenly appear behind you.
- Although in the 20th century we can fire weapons at objects out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
- Restaurant bills are always 15% less than the amount you are holding in your hand.
- A person being pursued will always stop and throw something at the person chasing them--even though it takes three times longer to stop and throw the obstacles than it takes the other person to jump over them.
- Newborn babies can babble, crawl and hold their heads steady.
- A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.
- At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
- In the event of a car chase, there will be two men carrying a large pane of glass through the streets for you to drive through.
- Make-up can be worn to bed without smudging.
- If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
- When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.
- When in love, it is customary to burst into song.
- One man shooting at twenty men has a better chance of killing them than twenty men shooting at one man.
- Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be investigated more closely.
- If being fired at by Germans, hide in a river--or even a bath.
- If a phone line is broken, the best way to restore communication is to frantically beat the cradle while yelling, "Hello? Hello?"
- Bullets are unable to penetrate water.
- A gang of highly-trained terrorists will always separate and search for an intruder on its own so its easy to kill them one at a time.
- If you need to diffuse a bomb, don’t worry about which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
- Any laptop computer is powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
- Megalomaniacs intent on world domination can’t resist detailing their evil plan to their arch-nemesis.
- Extremely beautiful and intelligent women are either prostitutes or welders.
- Full moons occur several nights in a row.
- Freelance helicopter pilots are always eager to accept bookings from international terrorist organizations--even though the job will require them to shoot total strangers and will end in their own certain death as their helicopter explodes in a ball of flames.
- If the person you are chasing has just taken the elevator down from the 20th floor, you can get to the street first by taking the stairs.
- The person you trust most at work is the person trying to kill you.
- During a weeklong murder investigation, detectives do not need to go home at any time to eat, sleep, shave, or change their clothes.
- Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings--especially if any of their family or friends have died in a strange accident.
- Long before sunbathing was fashionable, men and women had tan lines and white bottoms.
- During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.
- When you turn off the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly blurred and darker.
- All computer disks work in all computers, regardless of operating system.
- Don’t worry about having the right version of software. All computers can open all files.
- The only courses taught in American high schools are American History and English.
- Dogs always know bad people and will bark incessantly at them.
- A slight blow to the head is enough to cause amnesia.
- If you think there is an intruder in your house, your cat will choose that precise moment to leap at you.
- The most beautiful girl in school will never be able to get a date.
- Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste by their actions.
- No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.
- Deranged killers only escape when a thunderstorm has knocked out all the power and telephone lines.
- You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
- In school, the end-of-class bell always interrupts teachers in mid-sentence.
- You know a man is British if he wears a bow tie.
- When driving a car, it is normal not to look at the road, but rather at the person sitting beside you or in the back seat.
- An electric fence powerful enough to kill a dinosaur does no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.
- Radiation causes interesting mutations--not to your future children but to you, there and then.
- High-class strippers with a heart of gold can operate most heavy machinery.
- Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man-eating sharks which will allow their captives at least twenty minutes to escape.
- Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down days before they retire.
- If you are blonde and pretty, you can be an expert in nuclear fission by age 22.
- The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they are to fall in love.
- Having a job makes fathers forget their sons’ birthdays.
- Guns are like disposable razors--if you run out of bullets, just throw it away. You can always get another.
- When looking through binoculars, you always see things through a figure-eight shape.
added on the 2004-05-18 15:59:27 by Gargaj Gargaj
Demoscene observations

- Sinus scrollers can never be too long.

- Many people can only see red, green, and blue from the visible spectrum.

- Women invariably walk around naked and have shiny metallic skin.

- Bright light sources always create lens flares, but rarely any shadows.

- Bass drums cause sudden and intense earthquakes without damaging buildings.

- Newton was right: Light *is* made of particles.

- Buildings and cities rarely have any inhabitants.

- English is a horribly broken and ineffectual language.

- High art concepts create incessant interference with electronic media devices.

- Furthermore, high art is always in black and white.

- The only acceptable time signature for music is 4/4.

- Meta balls become more interesting if left on screen for five minutes or longer.

- The larger the file size, the more appropriate it is to have visible JPEG fringing.

- If you hold your legs together and arms straight outward to the sides, you will begin aimlessly floating around.
- The more alphalayers the better
- Always use the same base loops, because that the only sound people like
- Never try to innovate with a new music style
- 64kb intros are automatically better than demos even if they look much worse
- 4k intros are automatically better than 64kb intros, even if the reminisce a 5 year old demo
- 256byte intros are automatically better than 4k intros, even if they just show one sloow effect.
- Demos which show technical effects are bad
- 4 new alphalayers replace a new effect
- Demos with less than 10 alphalayers are "fly-byes" and hence bad
added on the 2004-05-19 00:32:51 by Stelthzje Stelthzje
thom - funny!
stelthz - not as funny!
added on the 2004-05-19 00:49:57 by ekoli ekoli
Quote:
- If you hold your legs together and arms straight outward to the sides, you will begin aimlessly floating around.


doesn't work when i'm sitting.
added on the 2004-05-19 00:59:20 by dalezr dalezr
Have you re-installing yourself on the chair?
thom rulz :)
added on the 2004-05-19 09:57:55 by tomcat tomcat
Pouet observations:

- Idiots will always start bullshit threads
added on the 2004-05-19 13:24:32 by gloom gloom
Real life observations:
- When you drive into a crowded crossroad the cars dont start jerking around because of the high polycount.
- the colours choice sucks.. green grass against a clear blue sky really looks like shit..
added on the 2004-05-19 13:37:37 by loaderror loaderror
The environment mapping on toilet seats is gorgeous.
When looking out of a train window, you can see really nice parallax scrolling
Ducks can be both textured and phong-shaded at the same time

added on the 2004-05-19 14:50:17 by Preacher Preacher
Not directly demoscene, but still funny:

You've played too much Far Cry when:
- You walk into a few boxes just to see how they fall over
- When you see a cop, you toss a stone and then run the other way
- You sit in your car and wonder where your minigun is
- You look at a river and think to yourself, man those upgrades were worth it for THIS
- You hear a helicopter while out walking and look for the nearest palm tree for cover
- You start admiring the trees and resolution of REAL LIFE
added on the 2004-05-19 15:36:59 by mjz mjz
bleah, gamer!
added on the 2004-05-20 16:27:38 by eye eye
gamers are cool!
added on the 2004-05-20 17:25:10 by okkie okkie
You know you've been playing to much Wolfenstein when:

- All communication is made in German and preferably just by shouting "Ein verlester"
- You eat random food found in pots and pans around an old ruin
- All doors make a "swuuuush" sound when opening then, no matter if it's wood or metal
- Whenever sneaking up on an enemy he will always look the other way - also after opening fire
cool post this was

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