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I quit the scene.

category: general [glöplog]
Navis: I was thinking about writting an article on Hugi but sometimes I was abandoning the idea. I had various fears. Then why did I wrote this here instead? It just happened, the stupid spontaneous act of one click at Pouet and here it goes. But of course, an article would be a better idea because more people would take the time to read it than a silly forum post. I agree with that and maybe you made me thinking about writting an article but I am not sure yet if I'll do at the end..

EP: We had discussed that thing and I do believe that you have OCD. Not sure if it's connected with OCD but could it be that such excessive texts you and me write would be some sign of obsession (Even if it isn't necessary the same obsession as in the definition of it in OCD. Though, an OCD sufferer who wrote a very thoughtfull and to the point article, conclude that OCD can lead also into positive things like the extreme passion me and you have, which also if it becomes overpassion/overexpressing which becomes too tiring. I think that even if I hate it, it explains several things about my personality quite well).

As for medicine, not recommended by several people though it depends on it's one choice of how he/she wants to "cure" it. Some say medicine here is like alcohol, it may degrade a lot the negative effect/feelings/anxiety of OCD but doesn't fight the root/cause of it. When the effects of the medicine are over, your OCD is back (and even worse for some). But using medicine accompanied with some kind of therapy (usually cognitive behavioral therapy) is an acceptable method. Depends on how anyone wants to treat it, maybe personal beliefs too, though each one's OCD might differ (I really don't know how severe mine is in comparison to others, haven't been in the minds of other people to compare, but it's painful enough to make me think there is something wrong with me). I don't know about herbs. I could have these things you say in mind, even though I am more interested about that therapy.

4kum4: Weed is something I wanted to try for that reason. In a somehow metaphysical way I thought it would drive my mind into another dimension and reveal me the universal truth about what's going on with me and why I am bothered by these thoughts (In a very LOL non serious way here, but that's what I thought). I was even asking about mushrooms once in Pouet. Also, in the articles and forums about OCD they say several people were into drugs or alcohol because of their condition. But it didn't went away when they were sober. I don't know about weed but I had my experience with alcohol :)

Thank you dr. beers for fears, I was waiting to hear your opinion because iircw you are a psychologist. What you say is interesting but I never thought this happens to me. Is bipolar what we call manic depression? And one question, shouldn't there be big periods (weeks,months) between depressive and manic states? Or are the periods so long in me that I don't notice the extreme change and don't notice I have that thing? Ok, maybe you have noticed that I say I was sad for 3 days and then mad. I noticed that on me. Strange. Without a reason. But ain't the periods sort? Or it can still be considered as bipolar. The article btw says OCD can lead to depression, that's the only connection I see. Though, I am not really sure about the second but I am preety sure about Pure OCD. There, I wasn't just looking to the usual criteria each disorder has to think I might have this. There, I knew I had something really bothering, to find out 10 years later that what I had described/analyzed in such detail was exactly the same way presented in Pure OCD. It was the think I have! Just to be clear about anyone who might think I've just read randomly about a disorder and found similarities and wrongly thought that. It's diferrent here..

seriously that wiki article about OCD sounds a bit bogus, which man has never felt any anxiety nor thought about nonsense acts ?

I made the same thoughts on my childhood: "How do I know that other people don't have these and I am taking it too seriously?". Well, the problem was not the essence of thoughts but that I am taking them too seriously. And even when I understand my mistake, even if I think it's just thoughts, it doesn't leave away. It's as unbearable as always and especially when I am totally aware that I am bugged by thoughts all the day, this kills my self esteem. How can I be bugged from such a stupid thing?

There is a distinction about what you say in the same wiki article:
"Of course, these instances are not unique to those with Pure O; they are the sorts of day-to-day emotions and quirks experienced by human beings across the board. And for most people, such thoughts are passing and benign; at worst, they are momentarily jarring. For the Pure-O sufferer, however, such thoughts can be the spikes that induce panicky obsession, leading to an amplified sense of fear or self-doubt."

It's the same as with depressed people. If you are not living inside their mind, you can't get it. Wtf you say? Everybody can be sad at times! Just stop being sad and do something!

NO. It's not the same. You just find similarities but the distinction is hard to make. Unless you have lived it, it's quite hard to understand the diferrence.

don't read any medecine book, you'll compulsorily find a disease suiting you.

I understand your alert. I've heard the same one from doctor/psychologist student friends. There is an idea that someone could be easilly deceived from a description of some random disorder and identify him/herself to that. But, when it matters you really hard, when you are really having something that bothers, you can't be so easilly wrong. Maybe doctors could be sometimes less accurate than you and give you a diferrent diagnosis or not at all, because it's you who are living through that shit and now best about it.

And to finish with a random thought that came out of all these texts. Some people think that if I attribute a disorder to myself, that's a great excuse for being lazy. And I totally disagree! To not know the facts killed me. It made me feel very lame. But now it's an explanasion that feels right. It totally justifies why I am this. It doesn't make me say "Ok, I have OCD. I will say that now as an excuse for doing nothing!". No. It finally made me know the facts (I wasn't so sure about anything before, my doubt on everything (uberanalysis, maybe OCD related)), but now I've found the truth about the root of all for my case. I am more confident and based on these facts I can move one and correct the problems remained.

There is another thing pending though..
added on the 2006-07-29 12:10:55 by Optimus Optimus
dont quit optimus

you are at one with the scene
the matrix has you
if you quit everyone quits
and the scene will just become a void

you will be hijacked by to lesbian demoscene activists
and visciously whipped until you concede into making more demos

i look forewards to seeing this transmute onto demoscene.tv


added on the 2006-07-29 12:57:46 by seel seel
Okay, so you're a bit weird... but it's a benign weirdness, as far as I'm concerned.
I've enjoyed your demos, your spirit in the conversations we've had, and well, the blogging was sometimes a bit much for me, so I just didn't read it.
So as far as I'm concerned, it was a pleasure to have you in the scene.

If you feel like you have to quit the scene, then that is what you should do.
And if you feel you should return to the scene, then that is what you should do aswell.

So I wish you the best of luck, whichever path you take.
added on the 2006-07-29 20:01:53 by Scali Scali

i just read a bit of some of your txt
and the first thing that came to mind was
that the seen wouldnt be the same without you

and the second thing i thought was that the scene + optimus = 'THE YOUNG ONES'

then i thought the best thing you can do is join a drama group and write some pieces about whats going on and your philosophies etc etc and then perform them
i think this would be very theraputic for you and it would channel this part of you at that times so the rest of the times u can get on with studies/demomaking etc etc and it wont be encumbered by the confusion

i think also that the friends u make a a drama group may help you to find direction as u grow up and leave home etc etc

hope this helps
perhaps the demoscene is a bit theraputic but a dramagroup is more apropriate for u
the demoscene is too highly tuned and trying to strive faster and wont always tollerate any shit
but a drama group will eat it up and maybe some bird there will like you too!!
and then u be channeled rest of time to make good demo from your experience

added on the 2006-07-29 23:08:02 by seel seel
Optimus: you're the king of the robots. So don't leave us etheir the scene will became human ;0

Seriously, the decepticon will come and we will loose the scene spirit. So please save us!


Really seriously, you're like everybody: you've high and low.
Go there: http://www.orcapia.com/froggy/biorhythm/

This is biorythm, everything in real world is about rythm, cycles, sinusoidal curves. And you're too!

added on the 2006-07-31 17:51:50 by ep ep
Just Done It
added on the 2006-07-31 18:37:34 by magic magic
That's it for me. I quit the scene. See you around..
optimus: why do you care if someone thinks you're a troll or not? try accepting yourself for who you are, not as an excuse to act stupid without remorse but as a way to aknowledge what you need to work upon. everyone gets depressed and the scene is dead and blablabla. get over it. do what you enjoy doing and if you can be bothered try to get better at it. and watch honda gay, released on same day you quit the scene! containing your usual dosage of wise spanish advice. ^^

added on the 2006-08-01 00:16:55 by psenough psenough
what the hell, i just saw a pig fly right past my window????
added on the 2006-08-01 10:54:02 by NoahR NoahR
Yes you did, and appearantly you distracted it, so now it's stuck in the wall of a nearby house. You must save the poor piggie!
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added on the 2006-08-01 21:06:12 by nitro2k01 nitro2k01
Go, just go!
Go, just go!
added on the 2006-08-01 21:32:27 by nitro2k01 nitro2k01
one year later...
added on the 2007-09-27 17:17:35 by Optimus Optimus
Its about time (just judging by the topic title).
added on the 2007-09-28 17:54:19 by superplek superplek
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added on the 2007-09-28 18:36:18 by zomb zomb
I wanted to thank you a lot for connecting those symptoms with OCD. I've never read an interesting article like this discribing what sometimes goes on in my brain, also if I'm often laughing myself about it. (What goes on woaaahhh) And to be honest. Sometimes I can catch my self when having a latent tic. I get in panic when confronted with big crowds of persons I never knew before. In best case I completely loose my voice. (All very controlled but viewable/hearable if people want to) I always knew I'm an adrenalinjunky and also have a dyslexic touch.

But, as PS already wrote. I know it's not possible to think so in every case. Try to shit on what others say/do when they offend you. Be yourself and enjoy life with the people you like, ignore idiots and try not to be the last intelligent person on this planet. ;) (it's like do... loop:) horrible
You seem like a nice person to me (trough this sterile medium), having the courage to write this in a sceners forum. respect

By the way I mostly invert my negative thoughts with an **ironic/sarcastic** xor gate that makes me smile like an idiot all the time. As time passes most who really know me and I spend time with, love this smile.
added on the 2007-09-28 20:22:14 by seppjo seppjo
Hey, thanks for your words. I can relate to what you say and the xor gate sarcasm was a nice joke :)

Funny thing is that when people tell me not to think, it's exactly what I should do in some situations (I mean in some cases like social situations where everything is pretension/foreplay and was taking them literally, overanalyzing some things while nobody really cares even if they show something else) in order to be fine, but to persuade myself to actually go towards that direction I needed to really analyze and reach a point that it makes a sense. It's only recently that with the help of my insightful blog friend James that I rearranged some global new ideas in my mind and understood my vanity of seeking the perfect answers for everything, yet I have undestood that at least in the unimportant situations I can take it more lightly because at the end nobody takes it as seriously as me no matter if they pretend to. Actually, part of my new view on this is in a post in my blog here and I am slowly slowly changing to a scheme that helps me taking things lightly and surprisingly even makes the inflicted anxiety/overcare of my mother more bearable ;)

And yet I can still analyze parts of reality whenever I want and feel right. Maybe I'll just work in two speeds from right on.
added on the 2007-09-28 20:49:35 by Optimus Optimus
the one strong enough to really quit the scene... can't be ill at all :-}

optimus: just get laid and party a week with some decent beers and it might cure you... maybe not... but give it a try ;)
added on the 2007-09-28 21:25:06 by Danzig Danzig
The first is hard or maybe I really don't want to (can't bother actually atm). The second works because alcohol is my truest friend yet it just works, then I am just the same being. If only persuading myself to think there is no problem (no need for cure) then it would be a great solution even if some people find it an excuse to escape from my "real problems" (yet more criticism and the wrong belief there is actually a serious problem here. Don't eat these shit anymore :P).
added on the 2007-09-28 21:29:03 by Optimus Optimus
don't eat these shit anymore! eat brown sauce!!
added on the 2007-09-28 22:27:57 by forestcre forestcre
added on the 2007-09-29 01:09:00 by Optimus Optimus
added on the 2007-09-29 04:11:44 by Prot-DHS Prot-DHS
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added on the 2007-09-29 04:16:10 by keops keops
I'm not sure about what am i doing right now, but i can't help it.

As Seppjo already mentioned it, respect. Really. If a person believes that he belongs somewhere, in this case, (at least i hope so) that you belong to the scene and that person makes statement like you did, with that risk of others even not taking it seriously or just making stupid jokes about it or whatever.......respect. I had that experience, but not in the scene.

I love demos, but i just watch and enjoy them. I'm not coder, artist, musician. I'm a hw tech, but demos are part of my life a long time and will always be.

I'm 29 now. In my early 16eens i started to suffer from terirble pain in my hackles, first the right one and few months later, the left one. I was practicing Thai and Kick-box combinations by that time. I'm not stupid. I hate violence. I was always rather small and thin and....defenseless. So i started that when i was maybe 11. I found out that it's actually freeing my mind. I loved the training itslef and all that progress i was making. I was even thinking about a pro career! (though, i dropped that thought soon).Till i reached those f..ing 16teens. Doctor told me, that i have a problem that can't be cured. Simply put, my hackles are not exactly the shape they are supposed to. So i had to quit practicing, once and for all. It was the only thing that was making sense in my life back then. I'm rather an introvert, so not many friends, not many "parties" and such. And now this. I couldn't even walk normaly for almost 2 years till the pain dissapeared. I was also told that both hackles will be removed surgically and replaced with those "cyborg" ones, as i call them :)

I was totally depressed for almost 1 year. Totally. I wasn't able to think. To concentrate. To enjoy anything. I started to fear everything, what will be next. Will there be any "next". So what will it be like? Assembling HW on my cripple-chair? Nothing worked. Till i started to feel that it's not hurting so bad one day. My walking got better and better. Till it completely dissapeared. Doctor told me that it will eventually happen, but by that time, it seemed to be so far away.

So life was going fine after that. I was also able to "sense" more things. I can't easily explain it. It's like those everyday small things that everyone overlooks are suddenly very visible. I'm thankful for that.

But maybe 3 years after that I realized though, that sometimes i feel totally down, for no reason at all it seemed. Why? The more i was thinking about it, the worse it was. And then it happened. I was driving my car back home from work and i started laughing. For no reason. Aloud. I couldn't stop it! It was so strong that i had to stop the car and let it pass. I felt great, really. But it took at least 15 minutes! My stomach was even hurting me because of that hard laughing!
Since then, it happened to me more times. It almost always happened after the deppresion state, but it was also much shorter. It was getting worse. I started to think about killing myself and "mania" states started to dissapear. Only the "black" side remained. I decided to visit psychiatrist. I also felt weird. That only sickos are going to psychiatrist.

Well, it was a good idea. He sent me to a psychologist to help me. And she did. Yeah, it was she :) She didn't find the exact cause, but neither did i back then.

After 3 months, i was feeling way better, though i still felt, that something is not right. But only marginally, compared to the state i was in before.

It's about 2 years ago that i was visiting my sister in Belgium. She was on a stage there. One day we were just wandering round the town till we finally dropped in one restaurant. (i enjoy walking a long time. Because i feel my legs hurting, but because they are exhausted, not sick, which itself is a bit sick) I wanted to try their beer, it's said that Belgium beer is almost as good as czech, so i wanted to know :) (No, it isn't :))

I got sometihng they call "pirate", 4 times... And then (to my BIG surprise) I said to my sister: "See that guy? The one smiling." "Yeah, what's about him" "Nothing. But..... Isn't he pretty?" (or something like that, i was a bit drunk) "Hmm, i don't know", she said...

The next day i even didn't recall that i said something like that and sister didn't mention it either. And i didn't recall it since! But, for some reason, i wanted to see Brokeback mountain. (maybe week after that) Again, i wasn't even doubting my sexual orientation. Well, i started to after i watched that movie. :)

What i'm trying to say is, that sometimes, things are VERY complicated.
Even if we don't see them like that. One day, everything is perfect and the other one it's all just a mess. But it's true, life itself is very short, but there is still so much to see! To do! So many ppl to meet!
I had a reason to start training. You had a reason to join the scene. And i hope you still do!

I really wish you the best with your life and fighting that disease. Sincerely.

I know. This whole post feels pathetic. You were the trigger, i had to :)
Funny is, i really feel it this way.

For the long time i've read all those posts, yours are so....calm, non-insulting. That's the best way i can explain them :) Optimus - The soul of pouet :)

And you now what? Ledblur is absolutely fabulous :) Really. So i hope Ledblur 2 will be even better!

Live and prosper \/

P.S. okkie really is a joker #1 :)
added on the 2007-09-29 05:11:08 by F-T-L F-T-L


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